What Have I Done?
by sghope16
Summary: The thoughts and feelings of Remus Lupin as Nymphadora Tonks begs him to love her. One-shot set in HBP, some Remus/Sirius as well as Remus/Tonks.


**A/N: So it would appear that I am incapable of actually finishing a fanfic, and I have tried twice now. Therefore I'll write this one-shot, and if anyone really wants me to, perhaps I'll add to it a bit. This begins in the Half Blood Prince, directly after Tonks proclaims her undying love for Remus and everyone pressures him into giving in to her, all from Remus's point of view.**

"…I would like a quick word with you, Harry. If you'll come with me…" I began to breathe a sigh of relief as the boy left with Minerva, Hagrid stumbling out shortly after them. The breath caught in my throat the minute I saw Nymphadora's face. Tears filled her eyes, joined by the most intense frustration, longing, and desperation I had ever seen. I could not allow this to go on any longer.

"Tonks," I murmured. "Come, let's talk." Looking up at me in shock, she quickly scurried to my side, allowing me to lead her out of the hospital wing and out into the corridors. The halls were mercifully empty, all the children in bed. My thoughts swirled in my head, nearly making me dizzy with the intensity of the emotion attached. I was angry, so angry with my dear friends. Of course, they didn't know any better. I had always insisted that my one and only relationship be kept a strict secret from the world. I did not want the stigma and hatred for my love, the very things that now Tonks was nearly demanding. No, there was no way for any of them to know that the great love of my life had died just a year ago.

We were just 13 when Sirius Black came out to me. "I'm gay…" He had said so bluntly, hiding his eyes behind his black fringe. "I-I don't want anyone to know, though. My family already hates me and I can't take anymore hate from students. Snivellus is one thing, but if random people just didn't like me because… because…" He took a shaky breath, and I was sure I saw a tear on his cheek. "James can't keep a secret, and Peter is useless. You were the only one I felt comfortable enough with…" I gently placed my hand on his shoulder.

"I am too," I told him, earning a shocked look, tears frozen in their source. That was the first time I rejected him. Over and over again throughout that year he asked me, alternately being flirty and desperate, and over and over I simply told him I couldn't. He didn't understand until I revealed to all of them my lycanthropy, my monthly transformations. The other two thought it was the coolest thing, but Sirius simply stared at me with a heavy, understanding look. I was dangerous. I could not subject him to the potential horrors that came with being involved with me.

Not, at least, until a year later when the three ambushed me in the library. "We've done it!" James crowed, looking quite pleased with himself. I rolled my eyes.

"What prank have you unleashed upon the unsuspecting populace this time?" I muttered, putting my nose firmly back in my transfiguration book. James responded by grabbing my arm, forcing me out of my seat and dragging me out of the library, through the corridors, and out of the castle despite my protests. We ended up rather deep in the Forbidden Forest, where no other student would dare to be found. "What the bloody hell are you thinking?!" I yelled, glaring at the trio. With a wicked grin, James nodded at the others. Before I could so much as blink, my friends disappeared. Standing before me were three animals. Where Peter had been stood a large grey rat. In James's place there was a magnificent stag pawing the ground, almost looking pleased with itself, if such a thing were possible. The last animal nearly took my breath away. Sirius had transformed into a large, black dog. He was far bigger than any typical pet dog. No, he seemed almost more like… Like a wolf. Like me. "I…" words eluded me. I could only stare as the three animals turned back into my friends, James grinning ear to ear.

It was Sirius who spoke. "You'll never have to be alone again, Remus. We're not quite like you, but we're similar now. We can visit you during the full moon. You don't need to be scared anymore." Those words held a deep double meaning. He was like me now. I wouldn't hurt him. I was no longer a danger to him.

That night, him sworn to secrecy, marked our anniversary.

I was torn from my memories as we reached my destination: The Room of Requirement. I had only discovered it while teaching, and knew it would be the perfect place for this conversation. I quickly paced back and forth three times, and the door appeared. Pulling Tonks in, I was amazed by the room. I was small and cozy, void of light except for a roaring fire. There were two large, comfy arm chairs facing each other, clearly meant for conversation. Tonks perched on one while I settled in the other. The fire swam in her eyes, highlighting the hope and desire displayed there. Inwardly, I sighed. Yes, I was gay, and I was in love with someone. But that someone had died, died spectacularly and heroically. I would never love again, that much I was sure of. However, if my pretending made someone else this happy, who was I to deny them so vehemently? I would never betray my secret with Sirius, just as I knew Sirius would not have betrayed it had the situation been reversed. But surely he would understand that this wasn't for me, that this did not in any way change my feelings for him. This was for Tonks, for the Order, to bring some hope and happiness to them all. He would understand.

"I have never been in a relationship before," I finally told her. She gazed at me with interest, remaining silent. "This will not be easy. I will not be an easy person to deal with, I'm sure, and unless I can get my hands of Wolfsbane each month I will have to leave you and then tend to my injuries…" immediately she jumped up, leaping into my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Oh, I don't care, I don't care! I'll make you the potion, I'm excellent at potions. And it doesn't matter, we'll figure it out, we'll make it work! Oh, I love you Remus, I love you!" she cried, burying her face in my chest. I took a deep breath. What was done was done. I may as well screw the rest of my life up right. I gently slid her off my lap, standing her up. She began to protest, looking devastated, until I slid off too. Right onto one knee.

_I'm so sorry, Sirius._ I thought, forcing back tears. I took both her hands in mine. "Nymphadora Tonks, will you marry me? The tears won out, falling down my cheeks. Tonks took them to mean I was overjoyed, and her eyes soon matched. She threw herself into my arms.

"Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!" she cried as I struggled not to drop her. Finally I got to my feet, picking her up. She took my face in both her hands and, before I could react, kissed me deeply. I forced myself to kiss her back, thinking of Sirius the entire time. As she pulled back and began chattering about eloping, only one thought was circling in my mind. _What on earth have I done?_


End file.
